Dwight and I

This is the email I just sent Dwight: I'll explain later:

I don’t even know where to begin, I have some many thought in my head right now. So many feelings.

I guess, the biggest one that keeps surfacing is the fact that this whole thing hasn’t just effected me emotional but physically as well. I feel very ill today, my body is shaking, my stomach is in knots, I have a headache, my face is swollen for crying for 5 hours, and I feel worn out, just completely distraught.

I guess that most overwhelming emotions I have right now are devastation, betrayal, and an overwhelming loss of trust. I fell overwhelmingly sad, like I could break into tears at any moment.

Some of the thoughts that are swirling in my head are:
I guess he is right, I do hold back my feelings from him, never from myself, but from him because he doesn’t feel the same way and I’m not the one who is going to be vulnerable.

It sucks to love someone more than they love you and I’m not going to be that person, or I am that person, but he doesn’t need to know that.

He has tried to break up a couple times before, can I really trust him with my love? How can I trust that he will appreciate my love and give it back, the way I deserve?

I don’t have a bad attitude, yes, I have been in a bad mood before but I am usually in a good mood. Caitlyn does put me in a bad mood, and the loneliness makes me sad sometimes, but bad attitude, I don’t think so. Why can’t he be supportive when I’m like this and talk to me, instead of taking it personally.

After last night, I feel like my loyalty and commitment have been spit on. I am always the one who has been completely committed to this relationship, yet I feel like it is not appreciated, I’ve been accused of cheating-he even looked at my cell phone!!!!!!!! He is the one who makes me insecure by not calling and always being busy with other things, and never takes me out or wants to spend time together.

He talks about Joe and the way he is with Star and it makes me think that he doesn’t want me to be like that and so I back off and allow him his space. I don’t want to smother him. So I give him plenty of space. I don’t want it this way, but I thought by the way he talks about other people, that he wanted it like this.

I thought he liked it like this, considering he can make time to go out with his friends, but can’t make time to go out with me, I figured he wasn’t interested in spending time together. It has hurt me every time he does make time for everyone else but me, and I guess this is another reason I pull away, it is what I think he wants. And he has never told me differently.
He has always made it clear we were never going to get married and to me that means he isn’t interested in making a real commitment to me, which weighs on my mind a lot. I mean it is not like I want to get married any time soon, but when someone tells you, they will never get married to you, it hurts and it makes it seems like he thinks you are not good enough for him and that he is waiting for something better to come along. So I guess, I make him think that I feel the same way, because I don’t want to look like an idiot.

I’m not going to be the one who puts herself out there to be laughed at or mocked or taken advantage of. My love and feelings are to be cherished and he can’t appreciate them, so why should I show them to him?

I mean yeah, I guess I have a wall up, but so does he. His wall is huge. Mine would crumble in a second if I had some reciprocation. His will never come down. He will never fully, truly love me the way a man is suppose to love a women. This I have told him so many times.

He says he loves me, but how can I believe him? He doesn’t show it or say it? He tells me to fuck myself, and accuses me of cheating, and he never takes me out or does anything special for me.

I have a lot to work on, but he has a lot too. I have no idea how this man feels about me. NO IDEA!!! If his actions speak for themselves, I would say he doesn’t care if we broke up today, he would probably me relieved to get me out of his life. He doesn’t like the person I am and doesn’t like the clothes I wear or my body. He tells me to tone up and exercise all the time, he criticizes my clothes constantly and told me I have a bad attitude. So if he is so unhappy with the person I am, what is he doing with me?

This question is the most bothersome, and most hurtful and it is very hard to get past this one, it makes me sad, very very sad.

I have told him on many occasions that he is the love of my life and I get nothing in return, not even a I love you too. I’m just so tired of putting myself out there and constantly getting rejected. After a while, you stop hurting yourself and keep things to yourself. I reached this point a few months ago.

I am so proud of my man, I have pictures all over my desk at work, on my website and I always talk about him and I know I am not looked at in that same light. He literally is the light of my life and I know he doesn’t feel like that about me, so tell me, why on earth would I continue hurting myself by showing my love when I can hold everything in-- the hurt and the love. When your love isn’t returned it is hard to give it out again.

This is the damage that was made last night. Once again, he wasn’t committed in this relationship and shattered the trust. In order to be vulnerable and show your inner most feeling and thoughts, you have to love that person. I do not trust Dwight after last night. He wanted (and probably still does) want to walk away from this. This signifies a lack of love and commitment. I cannot put my love and trust into someone who has turned their back on me time and time again. Doesn’t he realize this only hurts us, not helps us? How am I suppose to give my all to someone who turns their back on me at the drop of a dime???? How am I suppose to give my all to someone who refuses to give his all to me????